Do I have anything to apologize about?

My husband have physically hurt me over the years by grabbing my hair tight and shaking me while pushing me down to the ground. I usually try to fight back, but he's over a foot and 130 lbs heavier than me. Today he did the same thing again then kick my hips while I was down. All I can do is scratch him. I know this is absolutely crazy. I am so ashamed to tell anyone. Nobody knows what I go through. I called the cops one time, then I denied being physically hurt. I know he loves me and I love him. But I don't want to feel fear when we argue. He has a temper and I know I have a loud mouth when I am frustrated. Today I told him I wish he just dies after he hurt me. All he can say is "I can't believe you wish me to die. I never wish you to die even when I'm so angry at you. If something happens to me then you can explain to our kids that you wished me to die." That's all he can think of? Not the fact that I said that because he physically hurt me? I told him to grow up. He first got upset while we were arguing and I told him that he doesn't care about our future. I know, I know that I will get response such as "You are an idiot." But I have no family or close friends here. I devoted my life taking care of the kids, my husband, and working. So I know I am not leaving. I came from a broken family and this is already my 2nd marriage. I don't want my kids to be in a broken home. Thank goodness they didn't see what happened today. I am highly educated person with a great job. Everyone thinks I have a great personality and always happy. But they don't see my tears. Why do I stay in this situation? I want to see a therapist but I'm afraid anyone will find out. I am so ashamed....